Close your eyes my old friend. Let go of all the resistance you’ve been holding on to, I’ll sing a song to ease your pain. The song I’ve always sung to you whenever you felt small from the vastness of the world’s problems. The one you hummed to yourself when you felt your tired feet couldn’t take you any farther. The song that we’ve both sung to the moon and the sun and all the planets far and in between when we were apart from one another.
When you found me, I was reluctant to open up to anyone, much less learn to love another human being. I was always scared to visualize myself fulfilled with happiness and a sense of belonging. I don’t know why that is, but it must have been something to do with growing up as an only child. So, my only defense mechanism was to shut my self away from anything foreign and from what I found threatening. I couldn’t even look at my own reflection in the mirror because the person looking back at me had become scarred, ugly, and unrecognizable.
But that had all changed thanks to your love. Your innocent, want-nothing-in-return kind of love. Without saying a word, you taught me more than I could learn in these few short years than I ever could in my entire life time living alone. I found myself through your love, transformed into someone who learned to give love back.
Logically, magic doesn’t exist because logically, it’s impossible that something as supernatural as magic can exist in a bleak world of reality. But the power of love does exist. It’s the only element in the world that is the closest thing to magic.
As I run my hands through your mousy, gray hair for seemingly the last time, I can feel each breath you take becoming weaker… but your youthful soul would otherwise betray your true feelings. You have always found a way to smile through it all, even though you feel so much physical torment from the cancer that is taking over your frail body each passing day.
I only hope to be as strong and full of life as you are. I know that if you had one wish, you would wish to live out another couple of years with me.
Is this what love does to people? To know…so knowingly? To understand that it is time to let go and that goodbye is inevitable, but to want to hold on to the one you love a second longer even as every second before that has already passed?
I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to you, but I want to let you know that it’s okay for you to finally let go. You don’t have to worry about me anymore, you’ve already given me all the tools to keep going on my own. Go run free with the rest of the wild horses and gallop towards the sunset without ever looking back for me. I’ll be okay, I’ll be just fine, because I’ll always have the memories of you with me here to keep me warm at night.
I’ll always remember you.
Horses are courtesy of Fresno State University
Dress x Adriana Pappelle
Photography by Anzu